Nothing of me is original.

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 21:48:33 GMT

Lovers turn into monsters at the loss of all affection
Almost like it was the affection that kept them from being monsters
And I could have used some warning
I was on that porch all morning
Smoking cigarettes and sinking deeper into doubt

Could it be I am mistaken, have I stolen somebody’s baby?
Is it possible for two people to need the same thing?

It's just the lines, they get so blurry
Between what is once, and now required
And I don't know on which side his heart falls
But I know where mine is buried
And it's so far from any wanting
Yeah, it needs this to keep beating
It won't go on without it

If I'm still weighed down with subtleties
Then I'll just come right out and say
That I think that I deserve her
More than anyone deserves anything
Maybe I am selfish, but there is no way to share this
There’s not enough to go around, I don’t care who else gets hurt

But I’m still sick with empathy because I was stood in his place
I spent a year quietly dying while he let go and ignored her
And I’m sure that there are reasons for everything that happens
And absence leads to adoration, yeah it’s nobody’s fault

But now there is no way to change this
So I just photographed and framed it
And it’s hanging in a hallway
That we have no right to walk back down

But I hope that he feels better but I’m sick of all the drama
I can’t stand to see her crying, I just want this shit to end
And I want a place to hang out where record players play out
And there’s a thousand movies rented for a thousand nights with her

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 00:17:05 GMT

Dont you ever think theres a whole other life happening while your asleep.

I’ve got a lotta things to do tonight
I’m so sick of making lists
Of things I’ll never finish
I’ve lived here for the last 12 years
Since early 1995 all my shit has been in boxes
But if I had a little more time to kill
I’d settle every little stupid thing
Yeah you’d think that I would

But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I wonder if I’ll ever lose my mind
I tried hard for awhile
But then I kinda gave up
Winter is a killer when the sun goes down
"I’m really not as stubborn as I seem,"
Said the knuckle to the concrete

But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I’m not saying that I’m giving up
I’m just trying not to think as much as I used to
Cause "never" is a lonely little messed up word
Maybe I’ll get it right some day
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try
I feel helpless for the most part
But I’m learning to open my eyes
And the sad truth of the matter is
I’ll never get over it
But I’m gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way

I so want to get back on track
And I’ll do whatever it takes
Even if it kills me

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 22:56:22 GMT

I am so bored.
of everything.

Our love is dead but without limit,
like the surface of the moon
or the land between here and the mountains.
Well, it is not these hiding places
that have kept us innocent
but the way you taught me to just let it all go by.
And so we've learned to be as faithless,
stand behind bulletproof glass,
exchanging our affections through a drawer.
And it was always horribly convenient
and happening too fast.
You should count your change before you're even out the door.
Yes, you should but please...

Return, return to the person that you were.
And I will do the same
cause it is too hard to belong to someone who is gone.
My compass spins. The wilderness remains.

Once too often, I have retreated
into the depths of my despair.
I built a barricade to block you on the road.
But standing there with all of my possessions,
piled higher than a house,
I felt closer to you than you ever would have known.
So let these tiny acts of charity
become common ground of which to build
a monument to commemorate our time.
And though, you say, you've found another
who will surely speed you on your way,
don't let the forest grow over that path you came there by.
But you will, so...

So hurry up and run to the one that you love.
And blind her with your kindness.
And she'll make war, old war, on who you were before.
And she'll claim all that has spoiled in your heart.

Well, now, I tell myself I've mended
under these patches of blue sky.
There are still a few holes that let in a little rain.
And so it is crying on my shingles.
My floorboards moan under my feet.
The refrigerator is whining, so I've got reason to complain.
But I am not gonna bless you with such compliments,
some degrading psalm of praise,
like the kind that converted you to me so long ago.
Because the truth is that gossip's
as good as gospel in this town.
You can save face but you won't ever save your soul.
And that's a fact.

So hurry up and run to the one that you love.
And tie her up in you likeness,
And she'll become, become the prisoner I was.
And know all that has spoiled in your heart.
And know all that has spoiled in your heart.

So hurry up and run to the one that you love.
And blind her with your kindness.
And she'll make war, old war, on who you were before.
And she'll claim all that has spoiled in your heart.
Yeah, she'll claim all that has spoiled in your heart.

(So hurry up and run to the one that you love.
And blind her with your kindness.
And she'll make war, old war, on who you were before.
And she'll claim all that has spoiled in your heart.
Yeah, she'll claim all that has spoiled...)</cent

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 23:51:25 GMT

Well I don't feel better
When I'm fucking around
And I don't write better
When I'm stuck in the ground
So don't teach me a lesson
Cause I've already learned
Yeah the sun will be shining
And my children will burn

Oh the heart beats in its cage

I don't want what you want
I don't feel what you feel
See I'm stuck in a city
But I belong in a field

Yeah we got left, left, left, left, left, left, left

Now it's three in the morning and you're eating alone

Oh the heart beats in its cage

All our friends, they're laughing at us
All of those you loved you mistrust
Help me I'm just not quite myself
Look around there's no one else left
I went to the concert and I fought through the crowd
Guess I got too excited when I thought you were around

Oh he gets left, left, left, left, left, left, left

I'm sorry you were thinking; I would steal your fire.
The heart beats in its cage
Yes the heart beats in its cage
Alright

And the heart beats in its cage

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 23:55:17 GMT

AHAHAHAHAHA
Lol
lol mate lol
thats like the funniest thing ever
Man i feel pretty damn awesome right nows

Miss kieran a fuck load though meh though

ahahaha, your pathetic

Good weeks coming up mate.
Royal model atm.

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 17:35:51 GMT

Come on baby do you think it's good to feel
Like I'm lying here swimming in memories
I fear God because everything dies babe
Got a gun in the back of my car
A spasm of good sense is making my eye twitch
I've had enough of all your consolation
I'm drowning caught in a shit tide
Tape my face to the inside of love
Nothing to eat but fears in the back seat
Well I've met God and he had nothing to say to me
I pray to God that you're right before my eyes
Bathed in white light with halos in your eyes
Don't wanna waste no more time
Time's what we don't have
Everywhere I look someone dies
Wonder when it's my turn
How well do you know me?
Leave an open door, what you looking for
Babe when you come down?
I built a time machine to escape from
All the pain in the back of my car
Living's a problem because everything dies babe
Save yourself you're not too far away
I pray to God that you're right before my eyes
Bathed in white light with halos in your eyes
Don't wanna waste no more time
Time's what we don't have
Everywhere I look someone dies
Wonder when it's my turn

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 22:28:55 GMT

Lol I actually really like alexisonfire
My lip piercing hurts
I like my bleached hair
Im gonna have to be more social while kieran is away the cunt
Owe my lip piercing hurts.

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 22:39:03 GMT

Urgh.

So why am I upset, actually I prefer the word sad.
I dont know, I think its because im not making connections with people, i have to put on this bullshit facade for all my new friends cause i dont want to scare them away with the real me. I dont want to be like, no im not okay, i feel shit and i dont know why. You'd think people would understand, its odd, everyone gets sad but most people are like what but why whats wrong whats happened.

Nothins happened, thats the fucking point. If my life was so busy, then I would be fine but its only partially full, but it seems that i am secluded and i have one person i can talk to. That person doesnt get what im talking about either.

Gah. I live through everyone elses experinces and have none of my own, my life has never really 'started' maybe it never will. But i feel like time is running out for it to start. It doesnt help im getting all this shit at home, tthat im placing a lot of my hope in a party and some material possesions I want.

This thing. Is it worth it. Do I want it. Am I just bored.
Or is this all I have, so far. So therefore cant let it go.
Should I let it go and move on, and it'll make me stronger.
Or will i regret and ruin everything.

Should I say anything, or I do i just want the drama?

Fuck.

Do I even need these people, once I have them, will I just feel like there should be something more and find all thier faults and wish for better people? Am I just gonna be like forever?

I am not a pretty girl
that is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distess
and I don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

I am not an angry girl
but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
every time I say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and I am sorry
I am not a maiden fair
and I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally I agree with them
trouble is you gotta have youself an alternate plan
and I have earned my disillusionment
I have been working all of my life
and I am a patriot
I have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if I knew that and I called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 14:57:46 GMT

I am so bored.
Of everything.
Give me something new.

Also im depressed okay, there is not any reason for it, dont ask why, dont try and make it better, just fucking understand okay.

For someone who apparently has had such a fucking hard life your shit at 'getting it'.

You dont 'get me' at all.

Urgh, fuck right off.

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 12:36:49 GMT

I forgot how fucking selfish some people are.
Nobody gives a flying fuck about me around here.
Urgh fuck it, fuck you, fuck everything.

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 19:31:48 GMT

I miss kieran cause Im cool like that.

On another note, college is going good which is good, and ellen and kieran are coming back next week which is a combination of awesomeness :D

So yay and such.
Although my hair looks okay, not great, blargh.

I wanna get another lip piercing and a nose piercing.

You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you’ve gone through hell and I say I can’t stay
You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there’s nothing more you can do I’m gona blame it on you
It’s not the way I wana be
I only know that in the end you will see it’s the Opheliac in me…

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 22:21:28 GMT

Hmm, think im slowly going insane.

Or I dunno, longrelationshipcrazyness.

Fuck knows.

College isnt going the way I hoped, so I dunno, blargh.

Im listening to dan le sac VS scroobis.

I want to contribute something, I want to make a zine, or make a LMS society at St. Brendens.

But I wont.

I'll just stay at home and think were all the people I relate to have gone, I understand you people should have fun but an intelligent conversation would be nice. Not this front of fun/crazyness I get all the time.

The realist I've seen people, when i've seen them when i could relate to them, is when they are upset.

How fucked up is that?

This is the beat that my heart skipped when we first met
Now that I’ve heard it, it leaves me with a kind of regret
No disrespect
We just left a lot of people upset
And what we had wasn’t really what we’d come to expect

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 00:00:46 GMT

Not happy.
That is all.
Because of one reason.
The reason that I dont think will ever go away.
Fuck.

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 19:56:41 GMT

Urgh im so fucking stressed out my mum just had a massive fucking go at me for asking where something was, urgh i cant wait to go to reading and get some fucking space. She doesnt give a flying fuck about me. Oh but apparently Im completly spoiled, or i should 'stop buying stuff' as kieran so elequontly put it. Well I buy those fucking dresses for you, cause im so god damn terrified you'll up and leave me at any moment, god knows why i even fucking bother.

Urgh.

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 19:22:41 GMT

Us?

Seriously, enough of this shit now, really.

Don't come to me with forevers
I love you more with each new day
But there is nothing everlasting
And death blows promises away

Don't tell me I don't have no secrets
There's still a place I wanna be
There's still a path I haven't wandered
But I'm afraid of where it leads

Let me hold your hands
Your arms, your sides
The small of your back
Your shoulders and
Your wrists, your thighs
Your ankles and I'll
Find my way inside

You say I don't deserve emotions
That my devotion isn't true
You say I gotta find my place
Well my place is inside of you

So don't be hasty in your judgment
Don't pull the bag over my head
For there are many here who hunger
And there are many who despair

Lay down your arms
Your hair, your gown
The scroll of your spine
Hand me your head
Your waist, your breath
Your nipples and I'll
Find my way inside

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 22:59:32 GMT

FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG.
The end.

Build a wall of books
Between us in our bed
Repeat, repeat the words
That I know we both said
Relax into the need
We get so comfortable
Remember when I was
So strange and likeable
I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little
When I jerk away from
Holding hands with you
I know these habits hurt
Important parts of you
Remember when I was
Sweet and unexplainable
Nothing like this person,
Unlovable
I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little
Run, run, run Run Run, run, run
Run I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 01:05:15 GMT

Huh.

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 01:06:28 GMT

Hmmm i feel like me and kieran are getting too couply, all we do now is make love and hold each other, I wanna be more friendly and watch movies and get drunk and chat for ages like we used, chat for ages and make out without knowing if it was gonna lead anywhere.

I dunno.

You went away
Cos you said that you can't stand me
So I went away
I was sure that you can't stand me
Well I don't think we have to be like this forever
Is there more to life than love and being together?
You went away
Cos you said you couldn't love me
And I went away
Cos all I do is love you

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 23:11:25 GMT

Rarghhh cunt mother fucking ass hole.

Owe feel like im getting a hernia.

Ouchie.

And they keep moving at a glacial pace
Turning circles in a memory maze
I made a new cast of the death mask that is gonna cover my face
I had to change the combination to the safe
Hide it all behind a wall let people wait
And never trust a heart that is so bent it can’t break

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 00:31:04 GMT

Feeling better then I did before.
Which is good but its probably just down to Kieran tomorrow, which is bad.

Lyrics? Yeahh. I fucking love this song, I think if I see them I'll cry at every song.

The clothes in the wardrobe
Just send them to me
Theres bills here for you
Thats cause nothing is free
We build up with things
To make us who we want to be

Is she in the background
I just wouldnt know
Did i build you a prison
Please dont let me go
Ive unlocked the doors
But you cant walk away from me

He doesnt want her but he just wont let her go
She started breaking but she still wont let it show

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 00:09:34 GMT

I feel sick.

I dont know whats wrong with me at the moment, I feel awful.

I just feel frustrated, Im just so empty at the moment.

I wish I had someone to pine for, I wish somebody hurt me so at least I had a reason to feel like this.

I feel like I hate the night.

random words that explain how I feel will make me feel better:

Text document
No lights
Naked pictures
Ska
Pink/Purple hair
Cliche much?
Chertsey
Money
Work
Art
Fat.

Enough now please?

Nobody does what they want doing
They want something they wouldn't do for you
Nobody wants to tell the truth
And if they don't like it, they don't do it

Ooh, why does nobody want you?
Ooh, why does nobody want you?

Nobody wants you at the party
On the stairs where you sit lonely
Nobody comes to look you over
All that washing
All that hoping

Ooh, why does nobody want you?
Ooh, why does nobody want you?

It's been said there are thousands of place
None like this one when you're dead
There a million of faces
How did I get this one?

Nobody wants to see you struggle
They remember they're in trouble
But you don't want to be alone
The bed's too big and no one phones you

Ooh, why does nobody want you?
Ooh, why does nobody want you?

Nobody wants to look no older
Stretch my skin till it comes open
You say you don't know mind the things they want
But I know you mind when no one wants you

Ooh, and that's why no one wants you
Ooh, and that's why no one wants you

Looking at this picture makes me regret cutting my hair and making it black.

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 21:25:41 GMT

Odd.

Odd.Odd.Odd.

Need to stop the stalking tbh it just makes me feel worse.

Urgh.

Urghhh.

Feel so incredibly shit, need to do that art, really really do. That will make me feel better.

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 17:18:39 GMT

URGH.
So bored.
Also little pissed with kieran cause last night I wanted a picture with him looking out my window, so one photograph would be done, but he was like no bed, its like it would take 5 seconds for your to help me out with something. Something he said he would always do, help me out with stuff and he didnt.

Irritating.
Bored as fuck.
I want to go do something.
Friday I want to go out for cocktails and we cant.
Just...gargh.

Saving up for a holiday when Im 18, I'll wanna go on my own.

in the middle of the day
when you drive home to your place
from that job that makes you sleep
back to the thoughts that keep you awake

long after night has come to claim
any light that still remains
in the corner of the frame
that you put around her face.

Two pills just weren't enough.
The alarm clock's going off
but you're not waking up.
This isn't happening, happening, happening,
happening, happening.

It is.

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 20:04:23 GMT

Urghhh. My back and stomach hurts, Im a fucking old woman I swear to God.
I had a really bad idea to get drunk, cause that stops pain but then I would feel worse then I already do.
Georgia my niece posting a picture on her myspace of her wearing a top that pretty much showed her whole fiure. Made me feel fucking awful, she looks stunning with every kind of hair style, her figure is just amazing and I look awful all of the time.
I was supposed to make myself different this summer, so far I have got my lip pierced, got in a fight with my best friend, brought up horrible memories and gained wieght.

Fucking ace. Urgh Im a complete mess when it comes to my body. I fucking loathe it, I feel physically sick when I look in the mirror, its not fair. I know I eat badly but so many people get away with it, im 16 I should be able to wear what I want when I fucking want. But I cant because I just cant, I would wear such fucking different clothes. I have to dress like an indie knob half the fucking time, shit dresses that make me look slimmer but just like every other cunt that shops at fucking H&M.

I would wear...God, just fucking whoreish stuff, just cause I could I see hot alternative/punkish/gothy girls wearing revealing stuff and Im jealous (obviously)but Im also like yeah well done, cause I totally would do the same if I had your figure. I dont even mean curvy, if I was skinny as fuck I'd rather be like that, that then this mess of urghdbdkfhfdhlliu. I'd be so much happier as well, just all that insecruity and emotional baggage, just lifted from me and wouldnt have to carry it around and put into every single thing i do. It would be such a relief. Then I'd just have to worry about me being a crazy pyscho bitch trying to emulate everyone I see, thats all. What a relief.

I also have been such a bitch to everyone the last couple of days, I was just like fuck this Im so pissed off with where I am in my life, Im started new but I know Im just going to make it into a mass of complications like I did before.

Urgh. I want to put on one of my dresses and go out and get drunk and maybe get some ego boosting, but I cant, the only person who can go out with me is Kieran and he works so I doubt he's gonna want to keep going out with me to remote gigs so other guys can look at me. Blarghh.

Right when I see Kieran tomorrow, Im gonna dress lovely, he better compliment me or i will probably cry, and im gonna get spectacularly drunks.

I want to be her

Rebecca: Oh, face it, you just hate every single guy on the face of the earth.
Enid: That's not true. I just hate all these extroverted, obnoxious, pseudo-bohemian losers.

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 23:00:04 GMT

sometimes I'd just don't work you out even though I'd like to know what you were about.

well at least I'm lucky I don't have all the power in the world so I can't fuck everything else up.